All I Want For Christmas Is

Christmas Morning. With my back turned, blanket over my head, and silence filling the room, one would think I was sleeping. I was crying. Each tear filled with memories, heartache, and emotional pain. Christmas is a holiday that's supposed to be filled with joy, gifts, and love. I was filled with sadness, regret, and no love at all. I wanted to call them. Wishing them a "Merry Christmas". Asking what they received and what was their plan for the day. But I couldn't. I wanted to see them. But once again, I couldn't. Not being able to call or see them caused the tears to crawl out of my eyes and run down my face.

Will next Christmas be like this? Will every holiday be like this? Will I ever be happy? These are the same people who said they were gonna cheer me on at graduation in June. Well who's going to cheer me on now? Of course my parents will but it's the same. It will never be the same. Well maybe Santa will be able to brighten my day with a gift. The gift I want will make everything better. It's simple. All I want for Christmas is a round trip to Heaven and back. Is that too much to ask for? Looking to the sky is not enough for me anymore. That's the way that life works though. I'm forced to accept this battle, move on, and be "happy". But how am I supposed to be happy when the people that filled my life with joy are gone?

My College Plan

My college plan is to get a Bachelor's degree without doing 4-years at a University. My GPA is too low to be accepted to a 4-year college so I'm going to start off at a 2-year community college. I feel like my plan is good because tuition for community college is much cheaper than the tuition at a 4-year school. I would be saving a little more money for 2 years for the same education. After I complete my 2 years of Criminal Justice, I'm going to transfer to another Upstate school and get my Bachelor's degree.

My chances of getting into a 4-year college would be better when I transfer from a community college because they will see that I already have an Associates degree. Hopefully I will be able to get a couple of scholarships from my school so the tuition won't be too bad to pay off. The reason why I'm choosing to get my Bachelor's is because someone told me I wouldn't get far with an Associates. I thought about it and was in agreement because the higher education you have, the higher the pay. But yeah, that's my plan for college.

Broken Hearted Girl

First and foremost.....it's not Wednesday. I wouldn't usually write my blog so early(on a Monday) because I don't like blogging. Unfortunately, I feel like I need to get something off my chest. I must confess that I am in pain. Not physical pain, but emotional pain. I should be happy due to the fact that I have been accepted to 7 SUNY colleges so far. But we all know happiness doesn't last forever. 2014 has been the worst year of my life thus far. The month of November was even worst for me. In the last 3 weeks of November, I have lost 3 loved ones. Death comes in 3's right.......

Last week on Tuesday Iv'e attended my cousin's funeral, then 3 days later(the day after Thanksgiving) I lost someone else, and yesterday morning I lost another person. I am not the type of person to open up to everyone especially if I'm not close with you, but I can't continue to keep my emotions bottled up inside of me. I can no longer cry, be happy, or sleep. Last night I was tossing and turning not able to sleep for some reason. I feel empty, lost, sometimes confused and I honestly don't care about anything or anyone anymore. My heart is heavy and I feel extremely weak. I don't feel like me. I feel like I'm out of place most days and I'm more vulnerable than Iv'e better in my life! The last thing that I need is negativity in my life which is why I need to keep to myself.

I know who can take these feelings away but I can't get in contact with him. That's what makes the pain worst. The person that I want and need at the moment can't even help me so I feel like I'm in this alone. I was born alone, and I'm quite sure I will die alone. Even though I'm in my feelings right now, I know that I will bounce back to the old me sooner or later. I might even come back stronger than ever. Until then, I will remain the "Broken Hearted Girl."